Fullmetal Windows With Edo Interface
by BinaryTales
Summary: It’s 21st Century Earth—and Taisa Roy Mustang is having a hell of a time living with a lover who thinks he’s from another world—and whose manga “memoirs” have made Ed a Pop Icon and cartoon hero. Prologue to the novella, “Fifty Trips Around the Sun”


FICTION: "FULLMETAL WINDOWS WITH EDO INTERFACE" (fiction/humor/romance)

"**FIFTY TRIPS AROUND THE SUN: PROLOGUE-- "FULLMETAL WINDOWS WITH EDO INTERFACE" (fiction/humor/romance)**

**Author:** the Binary Alchemist  
**Pairing: Alt!Roy/Ed (post "Hagaren Kids" ova)**  
**Genre: Humor/Romance/Alt FMA**  
**Rating:** T (strong innuendo, language)  
**Warnings: **According to the "Hagaren Kids" ova, Edward Elric is alive and well and living in Japan in the 21st century. Apparently, memoirs of his adventures in Amestris have made a huge impact on Japanese pop culture when adapted to manga and anime—maybe a little too huge, if you're living an older lover (and his brother) who happens to be a Pop Icon…

**Summary:** ""OLD? Who are you calling a shriveled up, geriatric midget who couldn't get it up without Viagra and rhino horn smoothies every morning?!"

"_Quit that_. You'll scratch the case. Dell charges a fortune to replace brushed titanium."

"Screw PCs. And screw you, Taisa. Should have known you'd never listen after all these years. MAC, Mustang." Lean metal fingers mimed scoring the offensive letters on the top of Mustang's newest acquisition. "M-A-C. As in Macintosh. As in better graphic interface. As in the five other stations on Al's network. As in security, asshole."

This was getting ridiculous. "I've installed Symantec. Haven't had a virus in ages. And Al's firewall is bullet-proof. You're paranoid, old man. "

"OLD? Who are you calling a shriveled up, geriatric midget who couldn't get it up without Viagra and rhino horn smoothies every morning?! I'll beat your fucking face in, Mustang."

"Ni-isan!" A tawny head, disheveled and draped with USB cables, popped up from the other side of the work station. "It's all right, really. If Taisa wants to use Windows, hey, no problem."

"Remember the Us Festival back in '83? " Snagging Edward's coffee mug, the younger man swallowed deeply, then grimaced. "How do you drink this shit?" he muttered, reaching for the creamer. "Bitter as Ishbala's ass. Remember all those technological wonders we were promised by the wunderkind of a certain computer company?"

"I remember sunburn and five bucks for bottled water," Ed grumbled. "Gimme my coffee—don't put that shit in there!"

"It's not dairy, Edward!"

"It's not edible either, jerk! Tastes like Liquid Paper. God knows what it'll do to your liver. And aside from the heat, the Us Festival was fucking brilliant."

"I had fun at Burning Man this year," Alphonse offered serenely, jabbing the reset button on his Airport router with a bent paper clip. "They had mango popsicles over in Camp Antarctica."

"You only think that," Taisa countered, "because your buddy from Apple got us backstage passes for the U2 concert. And you've got a thing about Bono."

Golden eyes blazed behind no-line bifocals. "Ashton Kutcher."

"Fuck you! And let me remind you, Edward Elric, oh darling of the rabid fangirls who devour your bullshit stories about Ass-mestris or whatever," the younger man smirked, "FIFTY goes into ONE HUNDRED AND TWO a hell of a lot more than ONE HUNDRED AND TWO goes into FIFTY."

Stalking over to the shelf of Fullmetal Alchemist memorabilia that Alphonse had collected since a certain gifted manga artist had suggested that his brother's memoirs would make a terrific basis for a shonen series, Edward grabbed a pair of plushie dolls that were snuggled together in a place of honor. A feature film had been made of the Elric manga, and the same people that transformed Alphonse into a gashapon toy were selling limited edition soft toys modeled on Edward Elric and the Amestris doppelganger of Roy Taisa Mustang, Ed's smartassed Eurasian personal aide and long time lover.

"Here, Taisa," he growled, offering the doll with the eye patch. "Shove this up your ass. You could probably handle it without squealing like a schoolgirl."

The black haired plushie bounced off the flat screen tv. "Yours is smaller. And _softer_."

Unnoticed by the bickering lovers, Alphonse rescued Taisa's new laptop. Humming a little, he booted it up, admiring the 20-inch SXGA display. "It's nice, brother. Even for a pc," he observed as his brother obsessively scrubbed every trace of the contaminated brew from his coffee mug. "Dual core processors and everything. "Look, it's even got an external USB tv tuner. Taisa's going to love this machine."

"TV tuner? What—you mean so he can watch soft core pay-per-view?"

"Ni-isan. It's been—what? Thirty years?"

"Thirty-two, damnit. Who's counting?" A double handful of Kona's best beans, dark roasted for special tastes, whirred in the grinder. Ed dumped them into the coffee maker's basket, then flung the sodden filter in the sink with a curse. "Goddamn, Taisa. Never clean up after yourself."

"You were the last one to use it, brother. And Taisa likes that gold mesh filter. Says its better for the environment. It's in the dishwasher. Clean." Struggling to his feet, Alphonse intercepted his brother before another carafe was cracked by an impatient automail fist. "I'll get it. I was going to make some anyway."

Edward stepped out of his brother's way, leaning back against the refrigerator, arms stubbornly folded against his still-slender frame. Al had put on a few kilos over the past near-century but was tall enough to carry it well. Hoenheim's legacy, that tall frame. Not to mention the longevity trait that was peculiarly enhanced by passage through the Gateway to Earth. Edward's face had lost its boyish prettiness, although Alphonse would ever be full-cheeked and slightly cherubic, even at 96. Edward was lean like a hawk now, Hoenheim's striking looks planed down to bone and bare essence. He was not pleased with the resemblance to his sire. "He still thinks you're handsome."

"Who? Bono?"

At least Ni-isan was joking. A little. "Taisa. Said so last night. Found you sleeping in the library and didn't want to wake you. I went in to turn off the light and he was just sitting there on the floor, watching you sleep. He said it was hell for him, back in the 70's."

Ed's flesh hand tugged at his ponytail, an old nervous habit. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Said you wouldn't even look at him when you were teaching. Used to drive him crazy, watching you at your desk, barking out orders when all he wanted to do was lean across the pile of papers and hold you in his arms."

"Jeeze, Al! We were shacked up off campus, for chrissakes!" The band holding back the thick gold hair slid down a metal wrist. Ed shook out the silky mass, now halfway to his waist. "I was doing everything in my power to keep the rest of the faculty from finding out I was sleeping with my niece's housemate."

"Which they did, eventually. Winry was _this_ close to wrenching you when Tricia and Hughes got dragged into the papers over that fraternization scandal. She said if Taisa got deported back to Japan because you couldn't keep your…er…"

Ed gritted his teeth at the unpleasant memory, cutting his brother off with a sharp gesture of impatience. "He got his Ph.D. I got kicked off the faculty of Berkeley. Odd. Always figured you had to vote Republican for that to happen…"

Alphonse shrugged, adding another scoop of fresh ground beans to the gold filter basket before switching on the coffee maker. At last he turned around, offering his brother a tin of fresh hazelnut biscotti. "Here. These are good. Taisa made them last night. Your favorite kind."

"Huh! His favorite, you mean." Ed was not quite willing to be generous.

"Your favorite. His favorite. Same thing," Al observed. "Even back home. Back when he was the Colonel."

Edward frowned. "_My _Colonel is _dead_. He was—what—around thirty-six when we left? That was over eighty years ago."

"Could be," Al ventured carefully. "But what happened to his soul when he died? He's an alchemist. Don't you think he'd have gone through the Gateway? He _loved _you, Ed. You loved him. He'd have found you here. Remember what happened when Envy stabbed you? You came here. Maybe he didn't even wait to die. He could have come through before he sealed it. Time's funny in there, you know."

"Maybe—" Edward's voice was very soft. "I dunno. I-I mean, I've thought about it. And it was weird. Kinda like our roles were reversed. This time I was the one behind the desk, with all the power."

"And Taisa was the kid in love with his boss." Elegant in jeans as he had once been in uniform, Mustang leaned against the doorframe, regarding Edward fondly. "Just like a certain pipsqueak was in love with his commanding officer—or so you've always said. Ironic, eh, _Fullmetal_?"

"PIPSQUEAK?! Who are you calling so short he got booted out of the Space Mountain queue at Tokyo Disneyland?"

"Ni-isan—"

"And besides, Taisa-_fucking_-Roy-Mustang, you're the one who said the title of my memoirs should have been 'BULLmetal Alchemist'."

His lover idly examined his neatly manicured nails. "You used _me _ as your model for that Colonel in your novel. It was _my_ face that ended up on boxer shorts and lunch boxes. You think that's easy to live with? Not to mention all those yaoi fanzines about the Colonel with Jean Havoc. I mean, you said the man was a smoker! Like licking an ashtray. Not that he didn't sound cute. Of course, having all those adorable fangirls flinging themselves at me—that was a pleasant compensation, I must say. Asking me to autograph their panties—"

"While they were still in them. Yeah, you HAVE to be Mustang," Ed grinned wolfishly. "You and your Miniskirt Army."

"That's for the voice actor. I have fans all my own."

"Yeah, for people who keep mistaking a research chemist for the Elric Foundation for a demoted Brigadier General with a fancy pocket watch."

Taisa gave him a look that shut him up immediately. "And you don't?"

Alphonse cleared his throat. "Anoo…Ni-isan? Isn't this where you and Tai—I mean, Roy—er…when you and your lover go off to your room and make up?"

Edward stared at his brother for several uncomfortable moments before stomping across the kitchen to hook cold metal fingers through Mustang's belt loops, pulling the younger man close. "Listen, shithead, " he breathed softly, standing on tiptoe to nuzzle the soft black hair. "I don't give a damn which world, which name—do you understand me? I love you. I loved you when you were an asshole colonel. I love you now that you're so deeply tied into my life that it would take a chainsaw and a team of lawyers to separate us. If you think I'm a crazy old fuck with bogus memories and a hunger for self-promotion, fine! And if you think I'm the man you loved so much in Amestris you had to cross between worlds to find me again, terrific! Just…aw, hell!" Grabbing Mustang by the shoulders, Edward tugged him down to an accessible height and wiped that annoying smirk right off Mustang's face with a kiss.

Smothering a grin, Alphonse returned to reconfiguring his network. Humming tunelessly as he worked, white cords dangled from each ear. "What's wrong Apple, Taisa?" he queried in the direction of the locked door down the hall "I think I-Pods were great idea. Cheaper than sound-proofing my brother's bedroom."

Nodding with satisfaction, Alphonse retrieved the Roy Mustang ™ plushie from under the entertainment center and dusted it off. He positioned it on top of the Apple Airport router. The Edward Elric ™ plushie was a good likeness, he decided. The pony tail and the buttons on the brown coat were a thoughtful touch. "It would be nice if Taisa could believe it," he confided to the dark haired doll. "It would be so much easier for Brother. But maybe if he remembered the happy parts he'd have to remember Ishbal. Taisa's better off in the here and now….I guess…"

Rebooting his network, Alphonse Elric logged into the new Dell laptop, opened WordPad and left a message for Taisa. A similar message was left on the desktop of Ed's Macintosh.

"This will give them something different to argue over," he chuckled, snatching up the keys to his car. Ironically, it was a Nissan. He called it Edo. His brother was hardly amused.

He had a 20 km head start out of the city before the shouting started up again…

FULLMETAL WINDOWS UPGRADE (service pack 2, OEM00110011iamnotashimpdamnit) with Al's own personal security patch, the MUSTANG FIREWALL--our slogan? "Protecting yourself from hackers is a...SNAP!...with MUSTANG".  
Think somebody's trying to hack your router? No problem! Just follow these instructions:

1. Position your official Fullmetal Alchemist: THE MOVIE plushie on top of your router:

2. Upload the SMIRKING ICON to your desktop.

3. Wait for your cheap-ass neighbor to boot up his wireless laptop.

4. Click The Smirking Alchemist

5.Dial 911 and wait for the fire trucks

Need tech support? We've got ya covered! For hardware issues, call 1-800-HELPWINRY or email 

For software issues call 1-800-HUGHESONLINE...and prepared to be on hold, listening to enthralling tales about his kid.

Or for 75 bucks Roy will send Kain Furey down with a couple of paperclips and he'll hit the reset button on the plushie.

SERVICE PACK 2 NOW FEATURES THE 'EDO INTERFACE' FOR 2007!

TO ACTIVATE THE EDO/SMIRKING ALCHEMIST CONNECTION  
PLEASE FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY:

1. INSERT FMA DISC-VERSION 'SHAMBALLA'

2. DOWNLOAD EDO INTERFACE ONTO MUSTANG'S LAP...ER...LAPTOP

(IMPORTANT: USER AGREEMENT IN MOST STATES REQUIRES INSTALLING

EDO VERSION 19+ VERSUS EDO VERSIONS 12-17 IF EDO IS TO INTERFACE

WITH SMIRKING ALCHEMIST AGE 29+ AND ABOVE)

3. INSERT EDO HARDWARE INTERFACE INTO MUSTANG

FIREWALL. DOWNLOAD INTO MUSTANG. REBOOT MUSTANG.

4. REVERSE CONNECTIONS FOR BETTER INTERFACE.

5. INSERT MUSTANG HARDWARE INTERFACE INTO EDO. DOWNLOAD INTO EDO. REBOOT EDO.

6. REPEAT STEPS 3 THRU 5. MAKE SURE COOLING FAN IS OPERATIONAL SO THE DEVICES DON'T OVERHEAT.

"Give me the keys, Edward. You drive like a maniac when you're pissed off."

"Ohhh, I am SO going to be an only child when I catch up with him! He'll wish he'd never left that goddamned armor!"

"Give me the keys, damn it!"

Edward shot his disheveled lover a poisonous glance. "We'll never catch up. He's got a head start while we were—"

"—amusing each other," Mustang smirked. "Right. But you forget….I've got OTHER tech toys we can play with, out of bed. Like this."

Edward whistled softly. "GPS? Where the fuck did you get this?"

"Let's Lo-Jack your brother," the younger man urged.

"Devious brat."

"Arrogant bastard."

Metal fingers curled around ignition cloth. "Dibs on his I-Pod."

"Fuck _you_."

THE BEGINNING….

To be continued in the Post-Hagaren novellas

"Fifty Trips Around the Sun"

"Beggar's Banquet"

and

"You and Me of the 10,000 Wars"


End file.
